Analysis Using IPAC and quoting correctly In his book Writing Well, Donald Hall quotes passages from a student’s draft and revision. (The student, by the way, is male, though you would not know his sex just by reading the passages.) The revision is obviously better. Original: Financial problems were coming to a head in my family last spring and we didn’t know if my sister and I could have the benefit of higher education. Then my grandfather got the surprise of his life when a large amount of money came his way when he least expected it. He got a sum from the VA which he didn’t know was coming to him. Through his generosity, we were enabled to arrange payment for tuition. (58) Revision: My family was so far in debt last spring that we didn’t think my sister and I could go to college. My father borrowed money to get a fish and chips franchise, and he lost it all in six months. My sister and I both took jobs in the summer. I was working twelve hours a day in the mill, and when I came home at night, I was so mad and tired I just drank beer and watched the box. Then my grandfather telephoned my father and I saw my father suddenly start crying. The VA had just sent my grandfather a check he didn’t know was coming, and it was enough to pay for us both. That night, we bought a bottle of Four Roses. (59-60) Why is the revision better? In fewer than 150 words, analyze the two passages as you explain why the revision wins. Why is the revision better? What is wrong with the draft? Don’t just say because the revision is longer (a nonsensical reason, first of all) or because it simply has more details. Stop and think. Think. Stop. Think. Analyze the two passages. Reread both. Compare them. Locate just one or two things that you want to analyze. Analyze at the level of a phrase or even a word. Be specific. Is this thing you want to analyze in both passages? Is it dropped from the revision? Why? Is it added to the revision? Why? Maybe the same information is in both passages, but the revision’s version of the information (or the wording of it) is somehow an improvement on the draft. How or why? You will be using quotation marks to quote specific evidence (as you “present” the evidence). You will be using IPAC. You need to use IPAC (introduce, present, analyze evidence; connect back to your claim). When you present evidence, quote accurately. (Put quotation marks before and after the quotation.) Introduce evidence Present evidence Analyze evidence Connect back to claim (The revision is better because .) Again, in under 150 words, analyze the two passages as you explain why the revision wins.​