How could this sentence be changed into a good thesis?

Women’s fashion in the 1920s, which included revealing hemlines, short haircuts and big jewelry, represented women’s changing place in society.

Fashion in the 1920's for women was displayed as having shorter hair along with revealing hemlines with big jewlery, in which represented women's place place in society.

Explanation:

the answer should be the first one. "many people find his lyrics very moving."

it by far makes the most grammatical sense and is very objective, removing any first person from the original sentence and keeping with the sentence fluency.