Read the introduction to a personal statement. (1) usually, when people talk about "rocky” relationships, it’s with a frown, but mine has enriched my life. (2) i became fascinated with rocks when i was really young, and throughout my childhood you could usually find me with my pockets bulging from whatever stony treasures i’d scavenged that day. (3) when my science teacher taught us a unit on geology, i realized that my fascination could become an exciting career that could also me make good money. (4) obtaining an internship to work on the geological exhibit at the museum is an important step on my road to being a geologist. why does the writer need to revise the personal statement? sentence 1 should include the writer’s first name. sentence 2 should state what the essay prompt was. sentence 3 should avoid mentioning money. sentence 4 should avoid the extreme opinion.

Depending on the purpose of this it could be (1) include the writers name (if it truely is a personal statement then yes, the audience needs to know WHO you are).

If it is a writing prompt / essay, then (2) - state the prompt would be correct so the audience knows what the topic is.

Options 3 - (money) and 4 (extreme opinion) are fine for either a personal statement or an essay.

Sentence 3 should avoid mentioning money.

Explanation:

The best revision that the author could make to this statement is sentence 3. It is better not to mention that one of the reasons why you decided to choose this career path was because of money. While money is certainly an important factor to consider when making a career choice, it is mostly one that should remain personal. When you present yourself to others, they want to know that you have chosen your path out of passion, and not out of need or ambition.